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(Found this on the net and thought it was funny. Have no idea who wrote it. But I do know that it’s been around since the 60s in one form or another)
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The Day the Penis asked for a Raise
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I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
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I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
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Sincerely,
P. Niss
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The Response
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Dear Penis:
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After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
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You do not work 8-hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
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Sincerely,
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V. Gina
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Response to V. Gina
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While I thank you for considering my request, I must take a moment to contest some of management’s reasons for denial.
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-I am not required to work 8-hours straight, although due to scientific breakthroughs, I am able! The last time I worked beyond what management deemed to be a ‘reasonable time,’ the attempt was made to throw me out.
- On the Job Site I am the ‘Designated Driver’ and personnel responsible for all ‘heavy lifting,’ which lately has become much heavier than usual!
-Management has not upheld the ‘Internal Advancement Program’ or the ‘Employee Stimulation Program’ that were discussed with the Human Resources Mgr. (M. Outh) at the time of my hire, hence the ‘initiative,’ demonstrated at the time of hire, to dive head first into my work if the wind blows has tapered off.
-Management constantly requires that I be tested for reaction time and response to commands (i.e.: faster, slower, stop, don't stop, etc.). A great majority of the time during testing, Management seems to forget my name and begins shaking violently and cursing at me. Added to my confusion is that after testing is over I'm always invited to cum again.
-Furthermore, Management has been in violation of my terms of employment through the exploration of a mechanized and automated employee replacement. While I do not have a problem with working ‘along side’ these ‘employee substitutes’ due to the enormous expansion of my work area over the years, if I am to be replaced, I will require thirty days notice and visitation as in our contract.
-Since workplace cleanliness has never been part of my job description, I will be taking my lunch breaks elsewhere and no longer be found eating at my workstation until Housekeeping Department resumes demonstrating the same pride that was once shown at the time of my hire.
-Management has with increasing frequency refused me access to my workstation claiming that the factory is operating in ‘sleep mode’ or that B. Rain is out for the day due to excessive pain.
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It is my wish to continue employment with this establishment, but the recent Hot and Cold methods of operation leave me concerned about the stability of our continued association.
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Thank you for your consideration,
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P. Niss
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Q. cc. Chief Executive Officer - B. Rain
cc. Human Resources Mgr. - M. Outh
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