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This article is believed to be public property as no copyright is expressed and the original authors are unknown. To the best of my knowledge it is being freely distributed via the Internet. I wish to give full credit to those who created it, whomever they may be.
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My Most Embarrassing Story...
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When I was 17 my girlfriend at the time was finally ready to have sex. I, as one might expect of a 17-year old, was excited. Neither hell nor high water was going to stand between my final destination and me.
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I get ready for the night; trim everything up, shower extra well. Unfortunately there was also an issue. I have a digestion disorder that sometimes cause my shit to become large and quite solid while still inside me. I was young and wasn't aware that it was a treatable problem and, in fact, just thought everyone had to deal with the equivalent of anal kidney stones. I bring this up because I had a mighty one that had been loaded into the gun for several days.
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Let me set the scene. Her parents were away, so we had her house to ourselves. She was always a little kinky so she demanded that we do it in her parent’s bed.
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I walk in to a candle holocaust. She's been working on this all day apparently, and it’s as bright as high noon in there with the lights off. That was good, because she immediately starting doing a sweet, sexy little dance for me. At 16, her body was truly amazing. For those of you who never experienced a female at that age, I pity the fool.
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I'm sitting on the bed, watching her dance. I smile and tell her how good she looks. Unfortunately, most of my attention is focused on the dull throbbing from my sphincter and the large amount of intestinal discomfort associated with not dropping duce in days. But somehow I still get hard and we go to town.
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She starts out on top, then we switch. I bend her over the bed, and I even … smack… swat her on her naked … smack… butt. a ballsy move at the time, but she loved it. Due to my built up distraction, I last for what seems like forever. All the time I'm pounding in and out of her, she can't stop moaning and telling me how good it feels. and then she says what every man wants to hear ,"I want to make you cum in my mouth." God, I fucking love women.
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Then before I know it, she’s going down on me. She was always average at best in the head department but at least she tried. She pops my cock out of her mouth long enough to looked up at me and said, "tell me if you like this."
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Then I felt it. She stuck her finger up my ass.
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My brain hit the panic switch and every muscle in my entire body locks up tighter than a 3-year old virgin. But it’s too late.
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I take a massive and painful, very painful shit, all over her parent’s comforter.
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No, you do not understand, I mean large, huge, immense shit. Take your largest shit ever and multiple it by 42-and you'll have an idea of what flew out of me. And gents, when I say ‘flew,’ I don't mean ‘I pooped.’ I mean ‘projectile,’ I mean ‘hurricane force winds hitting an umbrella stand.’ And due to my condition, it comes out as a large, dark brown, smelly mass.
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I didn't see it, but I know it hit her. She ran screaming, "OH MY GOD OHMYGOD, OHMYGOD, EEEEEWWWWWWWW." but I always imagined that, due to her position, it hit her right in the chin, or at least on her breasts.
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I would like to say that I got up to go after her. But I heard the bathroom door shut and I just lied there. The smell hit me after a few seconds. It smelled like someone rolled a cat in shit and threw it into a tire fire. I looked down and saw, to date, the largest bowel movement I've ever heard of laying on the bed. Then I noticed the blood, and when I did, I noticed the pain.
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Apparently the fact that it was so large caused it to rip my ass a little bit, thought I was bleeding from the inside. A little doctor’s trip the next day was what educated me as to what my condition was. There was a small pool of blood on the bed where my ass had been. A final reminder of the exact place and moment I lost my virginity. I will treasure this memory for all my days.
Franticly I grabbed a double hand full of my shit and hurried to the downstairs bathroom. Fearing any more would clog it up and only add to my already significant woes, I throw around 1/3 of it into the toilet and flushed.
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I stand there, holding 2/3's of my biggest shit of all time, feeling a trickle of blood flow down my leg, trying to ignore the sharp pain stabbing my rectum. I find myself wishing I had a photo of this.
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Anyway, I finished flushing my baby, cleaned off my hands, jammed toilet paper between my butt cheeks (I skipped the band-aid) and went upstairs. I could hear my girlfriend sobbing from behind the bathroom door. I decided not to say anything to her and just keep moving. The smell in her parent’s room was abysmal. Its like when you take a shit and walk out of the bathroom you think, ‘hey not so bad today,’ but then you walk back in to grab your magazine and go, ‘Holy Shit!’ It was one of those moments.
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The scene is burned behind my eyelids for all time. My life, my shame, my very first time smelled like a pile of dead babies. I quickly got dressed while the heat from 10-thousand candles was making the room feel more like a port-a-potty. I was aware enough to grab the comforter on my way out and drag it downstairs to their washer. Also the top and bottom sheets since the blood had leaked on through all the way to mattress. Still no sign of my girlfriend, but at this point I considered that a blessing.
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I jammed everything in the washer with 3-loads worth of detergent and set it on spin, knowing that not even the hand of God would save these linens, let alone Tide and Snuggles.
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Then I left. I avoided my girlfriend's calls for days until she finally came to my house. We had a long talk about what happened. Talk being synonymous with ‘breaking up with me because I shit on her.’ And it was all over. She promised not to tell a soul and I don't think that she ever did. She was probably as ashamed as I was about the whole incident. But I will always think of this happening as the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.
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