“The Bizarre Tale of Mister Macintosh”

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Mister Macintosh was a shy, bald headed, obese, introvert with a wooden leg, from a childhood injury. He was very nearly paranoid and almost agoraphobic. He tried to avoid social contact because he believed that people were always making fun of him behind his back.

One day in the barber shop Mister Macintosh was intrigued by an advertisement on the back cover of one of the Zap comic books that he enjoyed perusing. It said:

It’s Halloween! Why not let the Acme Costume Company of Chicago design the perfect Costume for you this year? It’s easy, just drop us a brief note telling us a little about yourself and we’ll do the rest!

Fascinated, Mister Macintosh clipped the ad and tucked it in his pocket. When he got home, he composed a letter and mailed it to the vendor. A few days later, the brown UPS truck stopped in front of his house and dropped off a large cardboard box. Inside the carton were a Pirate Costume and a note, which read as follows.

Dear Mister Macintosh, thank you for letting the Acme Costume Company create your special ensemble this Halloween. Based on the information that you provided we chose a Pirate Costume including: A Cutlass, Gold Earring, Striped Shirt, Black Jacket, Clip-on Parrot, and a Hat which will conceal your balding condition, and of course your peg leg will go perfectly with all of the above. We trust that you will have a safe and happy holiday.

Well, Mister Macintosh thought that they were making fun of him and in a fit of rage he composed a scathing letter and sent it all back to them, collect.

A few days later, the UPS truck pulled up again with another box, and another letter.

Dear Mister Macintosh, we’re sorry that our first choice for your Halloween garb was found to be less than perfect so, enclosed please find a Monk’s Habit including: A Bible, Rosary Beads and a Long Flowing Hooded Robe which will help to conceal your hairless and legless conditions. Thank you for choosing the Acme Costume Company of Chicago. Happy trick-or-treating.

Again, Mister Macintosh was furious and immediately composed an even more scathing letter than the first, and sent the parcel back, collect.

A couple of days later the UPS truck pulled up and the driver brought a small box to the door. Inside was a 16-ounce bottle of Brer Rabbit Black Strap Molasses, and a note.

Dear Mister Macintosh, we’re sorry that our first two choices for your perfect Halloween outfit didn’t make the grade so please accept this, our third and final presentation: a 16-ounce bottle of Brer Rabbit Black Strap Molasses and these instructions.

Right before sundown on Halloween, you should completely disrobe and pour the entire contents of the bottle over your grotesquely misshapen gourd-like head. Then take your wooden leg off and jam it right up your big fat cancerous butt and you can go out as a candy-fucking apple! Sincerely, the Acme Costume Company of Chicago.