stray cat----part-1-of-1

Catching a stray cat is not easy

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I’m a dog person and I generally don‘t like cats, I don‘t like cats in a hat, I don‘t like them on a mat, but I do want to beat them with a bat. There’s been a stray cat hanging out at the convenience store next to my house. The owner of the store wants it gone because the cat will come in the store. I have a friend who wanted to get a Barn Cat, so we were going to catch this one for him to have. Anyways I got to the store about 15-mins before him, bought a can of food to trick him with that didn't work, so I tried sneaking up on him. I slowly crept up on him while he had head in a can of food, all of the usual tricks of catching a animal. Anyways I finally caught him, and that’s where I just realized I fucked up.

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He hissed a few times, spit, and clawed about 5 or 10-seconds and then stopped, appeared to be as harmless as milk now. Then I tried changing my grip and hold, as I did this the little fucking bastard spun around bit my hand in between my thumb and pointing finger like a angry pit bull, got all 4 legs going like the pistons in a fast revving 4 cylinder engine, getting flesh every fucking time with at least 2 of the claws on each foot. I am thinking "what the fuck! "I also realize that if I drop him he is gone for sure, at this point he has shredded both my hands, both forearms, and on my stomach a few times. I thought to myself "Fuck this cat" so I slung him off my arm, that he had a hold of like a pencil troll, you know those little things that look like evil green surfs with the long hair that sticks straight up like Don Kings hair that kids and secretaries put on their pencils.

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That would have been a smart thing to do except I threw this flesh shredding orange little bastard into my car, that I was standing next to with the door open, this is because when I tried to fling this little orange fucker off my arm he didn't let go as easily and as soon as I thought he would.

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To tell you the truth from the gashing on my arm, I don't think he let go, I think my flesh did. Now he is in the driver side floorboard as far up in the dash as possible and back behind the brake pedal, and he’s not moving. I tried to "shoo" him out but he ain't hearing it, so I guess now I have caught this little fucker. But now he is in my car and I want this Flesh Shredding Fucker out of my car.

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So far all of this has happened in a span of about 10-min., and still my friend who wants the damn cat still hasn't showed.

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I finally get this cat out from behind the brake pedal by poking him with a stick, I tried to use my hands, but evidently I’m a slow learner when it comes to the reflexes this trained killer has. I stupidly I stuck my hand down there about 6 times, and each time that cat hooked my hand with its claws.

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Finally he flees to the back seat. I’m tried to grab him as he’s flying over the seat, but cats are hard to grab and yank out of your car, especially when he has his claws dug into your cloth interior, and wild as fucking mongoose. So now I have to lean the seat forward and reach into the back of my car and yank him out, a task, which was neither easy nor pleasant.

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I get both hands on him and pull, but he has all claws of all 4 feet in my seats. I pull one foot loose another grabs, and every time pulling a coarse thread from the seat into a big loop on the seats. And somehow still biting and scratching me.

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I finally got all claws loose, and was backing myself out of my back seat, when he got my arms and hands really good about 10 in a row, and finally caused me to loose grip. He then grappled my arm much like a squirrel on a power like and clawed his way up it, over my head, around my back, and backs around to my chest and went back into my car.

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"FUCK!!!!!" OK, I’m not going though that again so I took my boot and reached in to wail on his ass. I hit him once, but when the boot touched him, he grabbed it with his claws. I yank the boot back so hard that it hits my new fucking Kenwood stereo busting the faceplate. "FUCK!!!!!!!"

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So now I take my other boot off and put them on like boxing gloves. Right now this cat hates his life. I finally get this fucking domestic miniature Bengal tiger pinned to the floorboard by his neck with the front of my boot heel. And I take the boot off my right hand and grab him and fling him clear of my car, but he hit the front windshield off a police car that was pulling in to the gas station.

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"UNFUCKINGBELEIVABLE!!!!!" I thought to myself, here I am looking like fool with one boot on my hand, no boots on my feet, scratches and bites over 70% of my arms and hands, blood dripping in a few spots, and I just bounced Garfield off of a Sansom park police car window. I’M standing there hoping the cop would keep on going, but nooooooo, he stops gets out of the car, walks up to me asking what’s going on here and for me to drop the boot and back away from the vehicle. He looks inside my car and looks at my tan cloth seats, which has about a 100 different sized loops of thread pulled out on them and bloodstains everywhere from my blood.

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Definite sighs of a struggle, it didn't take a CSI to figure that out. I explained my intentions with the cat, and luckily the owner of the store, and 5-other customers witnessed the whole scene and backed me up on it. This one lady could not stop laughing long enough to complete a simple phrase. Well I’m glad she got a kick out of it.

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Anyways the cop finally left and right after that my friend pulls in with a lasso thing and a live trap. I looked him for a minute and said nothing as he was repeatedly asking me what happened to me. Then he asks where the cat is, yada, yada, yada, blah, blah, blah. I just simply said "FUCK THAT CAT, GO BUY ONE" then got in my car and so far have used a whole bottle of peroxide, and a tube of Neosporin, half a box of band aids, and some superglue on 4 gashes that a grizzly bear would have been proud of.

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The End...