Self-Administered Anger Management
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When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take ‘It’ out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
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I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
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A man answered, saying, “Hello.”
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I politely said, “This is Charles. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?”
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Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear “Get the right fucking number!” and the phone was slammed down on me.
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I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
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After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
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When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You're an asshole!” and hung up.
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I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. After that, every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, or whatever, I'd call him up and yell, “You're an asshole!”
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It always cheered me up.
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When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?”
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In his typical fashion, he rudely screamed, “NO!’ and slammed the phone down in my ear.
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I quickly called him back and said, “That's because you're an asshole!” and hung up before he could respond.
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One day I was at the mall, I was getting ready to pull into a parking spot, when some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. As he callously got out and walked away, I noticed a "FOR SALE" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
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A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
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I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”
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”Yes, it is,” he replied.
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I asked, “Can you tell me where I can see it?”
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He said, ”Yes, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd, in Plano, and the car's parked right out in front.”
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”What's your name?” I asked.
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He said, “My name is Don Hansen.”
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I asked, “When's a good time to catch you, Don?”
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“Oh, I'm home every evening after five,” he explained.
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I innocently said, “Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”
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He said, “'Yes?”
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I said, “Don, you're an asshole!”
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Then I hung up, and added this number to my speed dial, too.
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Now, whenever I had a problem or was feeling down in the dumps, I had two assholes to call.
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Then I came up with an idea.
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I called asshole #1.
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He said, “Hello.”
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As usual I said, “You're an asshole!” but this time I didn't hang up.
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After a short pause, he asked, “Are you still there?”
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I said, “Oh yeah, I’m still here.”
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He screamed, “Stop calling me!!!!!!!!”
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With a laugh, I said, “Make me.”
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”Who are you?” he demands angrily.
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I said, “My name is Don Hansen.”
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He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live, Don Hansen?”
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I said, “Asshole, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd, in Plano. You can’t miss it, I have a Black Beamer parked in front.”
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”I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers,” he snarled.
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”Oh yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole like you,” and then I hung up.
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Then I called Asshole #2.
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He said, “Hello?”
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I said, “Hello, asshole.”
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Almost hysterically he screamed, “If I ever find out who you are...”
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I laughed, “You'll what?”
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”I'll kick your frigging ass, you son-of-a- bitch!”
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“Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now,” I told him.
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Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oak Tree Blvd, in Plano, and that I was on my way home to kill my gay lover.
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Then I called Channel 8 News about the gang war going down on Oak Tree Blvd. in Plano.
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Then I quickly got into my car and headed over to Plano.
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I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
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NOW I feel much better.
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Anger management really does work.
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The end…
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