I can't win----part-1-of-1

I Can’t Win

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I'm at work when I really need to take a dump, pinch a loaf, or whatever you choose to call it. I head to the ‘scarcely used’ bathroom on the other floor and hit the last stall. After dropping the prelim and primary bombs, I'm sitting there waiting for the grand finale, when I get a major itch in my balls. Unthinkingly, I reach down inside the toilet bowl to scratch my sack.

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All is well until my knuckles encounter something both cold and gooey. Yuck! I look down between my legs and this big-ass-turd is floating there with a dent in it. I quickly withdraw my hand and as I expected it's got shit on it. Yuck!
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At first I'm paralyzed with disgust! Then I franticly whipped out a stream of toilet paper with my left hand and wrap it gauze like around the afflicted area like I'm field dressing a wounded soldier on the battlefield.

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Pants still around my ankles, I waddle to the sink, and turn on the hot scalding water so I can sterilize the contaminated sector and contain any further spread of this terrorist attack. After several abatements I use my nose to check for any traces of airborne evidence.

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Yuck! What the hell is that secret ingredient that penetrates any surface and makes it smell like shit? Glade, Pine Sol, and hand soap are inferior to this Andromeda Strain. For ten minutes I'm imprisoned in the bathroom, terrorized by future handshakes, goodbye waves, and etc. I could hear my co-workers now, "Something smells like shit!” "What's that smell?", "Okay. Who stepped in dog shit?"

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The mental torture was too great. My career was about to be over. I'll go down in business office lore. People will sniff the back of their hands and laugh, when they see me.

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Oh god, who will rescue me from this fate? I'm doomed......... And then it happens, a miracle. God looked down on me and smiled. By his divine inspiration I was led from the wilderness, Toilet Bowl Cleaner.

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I quickly douse my hand with blue liquid and allow it to soak. Next, I feverishly scrub and then rinse profusely. I pat dry with a paper towel and now the test. EUREKA! The smell is gone…hooray…hooray! The heavens open up and bells are ringing, children are singing, and the sun got brighter.

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I raise my eyes reverently heavenward and thanked the God of my universe, "Thank You!"

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Then after pulling up my pants, I tidy up the bathroom and proceed back to my desk. However, just when I thought my nightmare was over, I couldn't have been more wrong. As I walked down the hall a female co-worker stopped me and asked, "Why is your hand blue?"

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Nervously, I turn up my palm and looked down…WTF! I can't win.

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The End…

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