Poop
I am female and I have a secret confession to make, I feel so ashamed. A long time ago I used to know this girl that was very into herself. She was so conceited that she claimed that when she ‘pooped’ it made no odor. And that she never made a sound other than the occasional heavy poop splashing into the toilet water noise. She also claimed that she never farted. She acted like she was way above everyone else.
I had eaten quite a bit of broccoli the previous evening, and then I happened to accidentally fart when I sneezed in her presence. She couldn’t wait to tell everyone about my little mishap. And after that she referred to me as ‘Fart Sneezer.’ The name stuck, and in high school that was my nickname consequently my yearbook is filled with references to ‘Fart Sneezer.’ I can‘t even show any men that I date my yearbook for fear that I will be on the verge of tears and suffer some kind of breakdown. I got so upset that after graduating I went to a very prominent pootologist who taught me how to hold in my farts. I can‘t reveal this secret because it’s a patented exercise and I would get sued. So as you can imagine she scarred me for life.
I did something a year ago that at the time I felt was justified in doing, but now I feel regret and shame. We had our high school reunion and I hatched a plot with a guy that she and I went to school with. She had given him the name ‘Boner Boy’ after he popped a boner while he was climbing the ropes in gym. She saw it, and even took a picture. The poor guy had to live with that name, and even to this day people point at and whisper that he is the infamous ‘Boner Boy.’ The poor guy now wears too tight tightie-whities and very, very baggy pants just in case he has an accidental boner.
He hated her as much as I did so we decided to get her back. The guy is also an electronics and computer genius. As luck would have it his uncle owned the venue in which the reunion was being held, so we were able to set up our equipment on the day of the reunion. I found the bitch that’d ruined my life milling around near the food and I convinced her to try the ‘Three Alarm Chili’, Egg Salad and Onion casserole, all three. She ate it and then about 30-minutes I tickled her. I mean I maniacally tickled her until she was laughing like a hyena on acid. When she ran into the ladies room, I gave the thumbs up to Boner Boy and he turned on the sound equipment. Soon over the PA system you could hear her farting and pooping. We also had a few projection screens where her face was shown as she grimaced and sweated while pooping. The place erupted into almost maniacal laughter and then disgust when we turned on the fans to release the ‘scent’ she made while pooping. She came out smiling and waving because people were cheering, but she soon realized why when she saw the images of her and the sounds of her being aired all over that room. Now she is known as ‘Pooping Patty.’ She never did find out who ‘punked’ her, and as a consequence of our prank she now has severe irreversible constipation.
I feel bad, but I think she deserved it, don't you?
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