Mind of a Bouncer
.
.
I'm a bouncer that lives in long island. Not the nice part, but right on the queens border part. I work in long island, queens and the city. I just want to let all of you bar/club/lounge dwelling individuals see a little of what goes on in my head when I stand at the door. I think anyone who has worked this job can relate to this.
.
First of all, I’m not pissed off, its how I normally look when I’m bored and have been standing in the same spot for 6+ hours straight, either that, or its fucking cold outside.
.
When you first come towards my establishment, please, have your ID's out and ready. If you’re old, just be flattered. If you’re young, it’s because you look young. You’re 25, not 40. I do it for the camera and the safety of the business I’m standing in front of. Don’t complain to me how cold it is outside as you fumble through your wallet or purse for your ID. I know its cold and I will not let you in any faster than you can get your ID out. Don’t walk up to me and expect me not to ID you. I will. It’s what I get paid to do. It’s what prevents me from losing my job if you’re caught in there without one. If I let people in without one, they are probably friends of the business or someone I know much better than I know you. Don’t try to come up to me on the side of the line and just hand me your ID. There’s a line. Follow it, unless that ID is accompanied by no less than a president grant. Jackson if you’re a hot chick. And that's per person, not group. And if you're a cop or fireman, don’t just flash me the badge or ID card and try to walk past me. I’m a fireman as well and I don’t do that when I try to go to places. I want your ID. Not your job description. Don’t try to sneak in on the side where smokers come in either. Though I may look like some meathead, I’m very smart. I just do this because I fit the job description and it pays well as a side job.
.
When you have your ID out, don’t look away. It’ll just make me think you’re not the person on the ID. Don’t turn away or start talking to your friend on the line with you. I don’t just look at the date; I look at the picture as well. If I ask you to take off your hat or hood or look up, just do it. Don’t give me that look like you just took the picture yesterday. You shaved, you dyed your hair, you got a haircut, you're wearing heels to make you taller, and you got fat or skinny. I don’t keep track of your physical changes. Eye color, height; chin line, ears, nose, and eyebrows, in that order usually.
.
And also, get better fakes. I’ve seen almost every state ID there is. Some places I have a machine to check them. I’ve probably seen your state before considering I work NYC and a bar by an airport in queens. If I take it, it’s because the law requires me to take it. I’ll gladly hand it over to the next cop that drives by and you can ask them for it back. If I hand it back, don’t complain because I could have given it to a cop.
.
And to the people who try to bring in underage people, you know the rules. If you're young and your girlfriend or friend is younger than 21, sorry, try somewhere else or in a few years. You’re welcome to come in, just not your underage company. To anyone over the age of 28 trying to bring someone underage in, your fucking disgusting. You’re 40. She’s 18-20. Stop. You’re not that young anymore. Don’t tell me she doesn’t have an ID. Don’t try to say "com'on man" as I tell her no and you give me the nod towards the door and a wink. Don’t even try to give me money. You’re sick. I shouldn’t even let you in.
.
Oh man, I didn’t remember you. I see hundreds of faces a night. I will not remember you from two weeks ago when you and 4-other people came. Unless I see you as a regular, don’t be offended when I don’t remember your name or who you are at all. I will call you man and bro, or babe and sweetheart. Yes, it’s because I do not remember your name.
.
For those passer-byers, you give me that look like you’re interested in coming in. You walk by 2 or more times with the same look. If you want to come in, just come in. There’s usually no cover. Don’t ask me how it is inside. I am outside. Don’t ask me what kind of music is playing. With the volume up on the max from the DJ booth, I think just listening for a second and hearing the music will tell you. Don’t ask me if we even play music if you can hear it bumping the door from the outside or when I let someone in and door is opened for a second.
.
Once I open those ropes for you, go the fuck in. take a step inside. Your friends will follow in after the few seconds it takes for me to check their ids as well. You don’t need to wait 6 inches behind me for all 10-of your friends to come in. just walk in and they will follow. I don’t want to hear you screaming at the top of your lungs because you just saw your friend that you haven't seen in about 24-hours.
.
Now you're in. you've had a few drinks, you're starting to get sloppy, and you’re dancing the night away with your beer or some form of drink in your hand spilling it all over the place. I walk through the club every so often to check up on everything. Remember me; I am wearing all black, so it’s hard to see me. I understand. I give you the slight tap on your back to move out of my way. Don’t look at me like you don't know who I am. I checked your ID. And if it was the other guy that did, I’m 6-foot 5, dressed in all black, sometimes with an earpiece. I don’t look like the partying type either. So as I walk past these people, you decided to splash your drink over me. Its ok, the dry clears are open on Monday, and I have 3-other attires that look identical to the one I’m wearing. Then BAM. You, female, who decide to go out in heels, just step on my foot. I’m on my feet the whole night, no chair, so I am not wearing my steel toes I usually wear for my day job. You might be overweight, or skinny as a twig. It still hurts. And guys stop brushing up your boners on my leg. Control your dick. Yes there are hot girls around, but com'on. And to the females, I’m sorry, you might be hot, and I might be attractive in your alcohol-induced vision, but I don't know how to dance. And I am not willing to learn in a place packed out and make a fool of myself. And also, don’t ask me if I’m a bouncer. Would it change anything if I was or wasn’t? If I said no, would you just start punching people around you and getting into fights the moment I said no?
.
I’m back outside now. You want to cigarette break. I’m still checking ID's from people who want to come in. you open the door, with a cigarette in hand. All you need to do is show me the cigarette, and walk thru the ropes as I open it for you. Don’t ask me if I’ll let you back in, the answer is yes. Why wouldn’t I let back in, a paying customer, to the place that pays me? Do you think I want you, and 20-other people to smoke in the little area I have roped off in front of the door while I try to do my job? Just go out and smoke. And upon coming back in, don't touch the fucking rope. Its stupid, yes, but I am on camera. And it’s a respect issue. Do I come to your place and just open the door myself? No, I ask to be let it. I may be busy checking someone’s id. Be patient. I was patient while you and your company fumbled for your IDs.
.
Also, if you do decide to come out, don’t come halfway out. Yes, I know you have to make a quick phone call or text, but just step outside the door and out the ropes. You will be let back in. I don’t care if it'll just take a second. And don’t try to come outside with your drinks. This is New York. You can’t drink outside. Put your drink down and then come outside. If you forget once, whatever, but every time though, fuck you.
.
I go back inside to use the bathroom now. Guys on line, I will cut in front of you. I will ask you politely to let me use the bathroom first though. If you say no, I will look at you angrily. I need to piss and get back to work. I don’t need lip from you. Then I will still cut in front of you. Girls, if no ones on your line, and the bathroom are empty, I will probably use it out of connivance. Don’t be alarmed to see me walk out as you are waiting. I lifted up the seat, I flushed, and I put it back down afterwards because I am sober and have respect. And also, if a bartender needs to use the bathroom, I let her cut in front of you as well. It’s an unwritten law.
.
I’m back outside. And another one of you comes outside soon after. You ask me for a cigarette. I smoke Marlboro reds. Period. If I am generous enough to offer you one, don’t give me a sour look and ask me if I have a Newport or something menthol. I don’t keep a pack of Newport’s in my other pocket in case you ask. If you ask me for a lighter, you will never get a cigarette from me again. It means you don't smoke. I don’t care if you only smoke when you’re drunk. Stop wasting nicotine addicts, resources, and us. And if you smoke the cigarette and don’t inhale it, or throw it away after 5-pulls, you’re lucky I am working or else I’d smack the shit out of you.
.
Also, don’t assume you can always talk to me. Generally, you probably could because out of boredom, I could use the conversation. If you’re a female and cute, go for it, I don’t mind at all. If you’re a dude, no I don’t follow sports, and when I reply with that, don’t go on about your favorite sport team or the players. And for basic reference, don’t ask me about the ID machine. I hate the damn thing. Don’t ask me to show you what it says or crack jokes about if it says you have a record and sarcastically laugh as if you have one. It tells me what’s on the ID. That’s it. Don’t ask me if I like being a bouncer either. The answer is I do it for the money.
.
2 AM? Prime drunken idiot hour. You get thrown out for doing something stupid. You’ve brought your own beer in. you started a fight. You were grabbing chicks asses or breasts. You were smoking inside. You started an argument with a staff member. You were fucking in the bathroom. You were stealing drinks. You are just too drunk to stand up strait. You are passed out. I don’t care. If I ask you to leave, just say ok, grab your coat and start to walk out. There are two options, I can walk you out, or you can be taken out by me and/or another bouncer by whatever method we feel like using. If you walk out, we'll appreciate it and maybe you’ll be able to come back in next time. You fight us, and you’re done. Aside from the ‘accidental’ injury you received while being escorted out, you won't be allowed back in, ever. When you get outside, you can run your mouth, call us dicks, call us juiceheads, scream and whine and bitch all you want. You’re not coming back in. I don’t care if your jacket or credit card is inside. Maybe your friend who is still in there will get it for you. You try to fight us outside, trust me. We know where the camera on the outside cuts off. And what doesn’t happen on camera, never happened.
.
3-fucking-50. Last call. Finally. You and your friends have to get that last beer, even though your current beer is 3/4 full. Thanks asshole. Now I have to wait for you to finish your beer. Ideally, the bar closes at 4 am, when we stop serving alcohol. You have until 415-430; depending on which bar I am working at. It does not mean take all that time. When you're the only few assholes in the facility that doesn’t work there, yet you're taking your sweet ass time finishing your drinks as you laugh with your friends, think about this. After you leave, I will have to still stay until the bartenders count their money. They don’t do that until after you leave. Then I have to drive home, and get up for work at my day job. If you're not catching my drift, GET THE FUCK OUT. I give you the customary polite way of asking you to finish up and leave. In my mind, I am saying to hurry the fuck up and leave. I don’t enjoy driving on the highway seeing the sun start to come up.
.
To the rest of you who are good people at the places I work, thank you. No I don’t drink on the job, but I appreciate the offer. Thanks for the tip for getting you a cab, or helping you walk you and/or your drunken friend out. Thank you hot chick that makes out with another hot chick in front of me to make my night more interesting.
.
.
No comments:
Post a Comment