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Musings
Part-1-of-13
The beginning
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The second half of my life, although greatly influenced by events and incidents from my youth, turned out to be far different from than what I expected it to be. The second half is so far different from the first half that they almost seem unrelated. I suppose the logical place to divide my life would be in 40s.
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Looking back, I realize that I'd been attracted to men all my life and that I'd just been suppressing it. The signs were there. Enjoying it when my uncle played with my baby penis, and checking out the naked boys in gym class, were a couple of signs, but I was too naïve to understand them. I have no doubt that I would have eventually been forced to face my feelings toward other men, but the catalyst that caused me to face and act on these tendencies was as simple as a magazine. It was a magazine that I found in a box of junk. My hobby for years was buying and selling junk at flea markets. I purchased most of the stuff I sold at garage and yard sales. I often bought big boxes full of stuff for as little as a dollar or two. Most of the time I never even knew what was in the boxes until I got them home and looked. One Saturday I bought an innocent looking box of junk that was destined to affect my life in ways that I never imagined possible. Like most boxes, it turned out to be mostly throwaway junk, but with just enough sellable items for me to turn a modest profit. In the top of the box I found a 'girlie' magazine. As I was putting it in the discard pile, I started casually flipping through it. I was half way through it before I realized that all the pretty little girls had dicks. When I looked back at the cover, I discovered that it was a transvestite magazine. When I saw what kind of magazine it I was so disgusted that it quickly went immediately into the discard pile.
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Several items later I found a pair of sexy, black lace panties. These too went into the discard pile right on top of the TV magazine. A few minutes later my curiosity again got the better of me, so I decided to take another little peek at the TV magazine. I’m mean, what harm could it possible do? It wasn’t like looking at it could turn me queer or anything. As I flipped through it, I still couldn't believe how pretty the 'girls' were. I was primarily drawn to a picture spread in the back of an exceptionally lovely young lady. She was so cute that I never even questioned why he/she had a dick. And, a big nice un-cut dick it was too.
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Over the next few hours I was drawn again and again to the magazine and his/her pictures.
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About the third time that my curiosity caused me to go back and look at the TV magazine, I noticed the black panties. As I held them up I realized that they were big enough for me. So, for a lark I decided to try them on. Oddly enough, not only did they fit, but also I liked the way the silky material stretched across my ass and cupped my tight balls. As I moved around in them I couldn't believe how good the silky material felt against my flesh or how natural it felt to be wearing them. I don't know if it was because the panties brought out my feminine side or not, but having them on made looking at the pretty little TVs more fun. I was still drawn to the little 'girl' in the back. As I sat there looking at all her cute pictures. I wondered what it would feel like to make love to 'her.' To kiss her lips, to massage and kiss her breast, to nibble and kiss my way down her flat belly like she was a natural girl instead of a TV. Even when it dawned on me what making love to TV would entail, I was still curious. Later my curiosity went from wonder what it would be like to make love to a TV to wondering what it would be like to suck another guy’s dick.
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For about 6-months, I was more than mildly curious, but because of society's attitude towards homosexuals I still tried to suppress and not to act on these newly awaken tendencies. I kept telling myself that it was just a passing phase and that if I ignored it, it would go away. Wrong, instead of diminishing my curiosity grew. By then I realized that it wasn’t just a phase and just how anxious I was to act on these new urges and to actually suck another guy’s dick. I couldn't believe how comfortable I was with this realization. Even though I was ready to suck a dick, I had no idea how to make it happen. As I studied on the problem my curiosity continued to grow. First, I tried placing ads in a couple of national magazines that I like to read. Since I wasn’t sure what I was doing, I advertised for a bisexual couple. I guess I thought that having a girl there would make things easier. I even got a couple of responses. But for one reason or another, none of the response ever resulted in a meeting.
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Since trying on the black panties from the garage sale, I’d started wearing panties on a regular basis. For obvious reasons I didn’t wear them to work, but the rest of the time I wore them under my street clothes. I especially got a big kick out of wearing them under my cloths when I was out in public. It gave me a perverse pleasure to be secretly wearing them when I was talking to some macho stud. I use to wonder how many other guys were secretly wearing panties under their clothes. Far more than most people would ever guess, I’ll bet.
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When the ads didn’t work, I put on my favorite pair of very sexy burgundy panties and hit the gay bars on Cedar Springs. The gays were all friendly, but I didn’t fit in. Consequently I didn't have any better luck there either. By this time I was becoming obsessed by the idea of sucking a dick. My curiosity was so great that I thought my head was going to explode if I didn't hurry up and suck a dick. I’d even dropped in to the Adult Book stores in Kennedale hoping that some thing would happen. But, I had no luck there either.
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Musings
Part-2-of-13
Glory holes & my first dick
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One Saturday, I was in Ft. Worth and I’d caught an early movie. Even though I didn't expect to have any luck, I decided to try the Adult Book stores in Kennedale again before I headed back home. The most convenient one was the XXX Video/book store. As I browsed around, secretly check out the gay magazines, I noticed that a couple of guys bought some tokens and went through a curtain into another room. When I ask the clerk what was back there, he said individual viewing booths. Each room had a TV that had over 2-dozen different channels showing adult movies. All you had to do was drop in tokens and sit back and enjoy the movie. I thought what the hell, so I bought some tokens and headed back there. I couldn't believe what a smelly, sleazy place the viewing booth area was. I learned later that the oppressive odor was a combination of sweat, fear, and testosterone. Nervously, I quickly grabbed a booth. As I dropped a token in the slot, I noticed that there was a big hole cut through the wall. As soon as the movie came on I started switching channels, until I found a movie with 2-big macho guys playing with each other’s dicks. I was astonished as I sat there staring at the screen. I never even dreamed that gay porno movies like that even existed. I’d been curious for so long that I couldn’t help wishing that I could trade places with the guy that was down on his knees sucking the others big hard dick.
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As I watched the movie, I heard the door of the next booth open and close. Without thinking I leaned over and peeked through the hole. All I could see a guy’s hand fondling his crotch. As surprised as I was, I couldn't help hoping that he would masturbate so that I could see his dick. He didn't masturbate, but I did get my wish. When he took his dick out, instead of masturbating, held it toward the hole so that I could get a good look at it.
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It was then that I remember reading that these holes were called 'Glory Holes' and that they were there so a guy could stick his dick through it, so a guy in the other booth could suck it. I even remembered the signal if you wanted to do the sucking. You laid your index finger in the ‘hole’ then, if the guy were interested in being sucked off, he would stick his dick through.
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I found myself at a cross road, there in the next booth was a guy that could satisfy my curiosity. A curiosity that was so strong that it had been eating me up for over a year. The question was, did I really want to go through with this. This was a really traumatic decision for me. Even though it was a step that once taken, could never be untaken, I reminded myself that it was a step that not only did I want to take, but needed to take. My hand shook, with a combination of excitement and fear, as I slowly place my finger in the hole.
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The other guy wasn’t restrained by my fears because he had his dick in the ‘hole’ so quick that he almost laid it on my finger. As a novice I had no idea what I was supposed to do, so at first I just touched it. I couldn’t believe the feel. Even soft, it radiated both power and heat. It seemed to be a separate enmity from the rest of his body as it pulsed with a life all its own. I played with it for a while, and then eventually I got up the nerve to ease back its foreskin and kiss its head. After a couple kisses, I slip it head between my lips. And, guess what. Nothing happened. Nada, Zip. All the preachers in the world were wrong. Not only did the sky not fall on me, but also lightening didn’t even strike me.
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While I was having this near religious experience I guess the other guys got bored, because he jerked his dick out of the 'hole' and stormed out of his booth.
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My next try proved a little more successful. It was hard to tell through the ‘hole’ but the guy appeared to a young Hispanic with a small un-cut dick. I was still pretty inept but at least this time I manage to get it into my mouth and make him cum. It had a salty taste and felt all slimy as it oozed over my tongue and down my throat. My first taste of man cum 'straight from tap' was Mexican cum and I loved it.
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Once I discovered the Adult Book store, I went dick crazy. For me, sucking a man's cock was one of the pure pleasures in life. Being down on my knees submissively sucking a guy’s cock through a ‘glory-hole’ and gratefully swallowing his load was fantastic. It's sad to think that many guys don't appreciate just how much fun it can be. The reason for this is they don't know how to do it correctly so it doesn't end up being much fun. If you mess up, you don't get your reward. The cock doesn't get hard, the man doesn't have a good time and you feel like a failure. After that, I was there every Saturday and Sunday, morning, noon, and night. Surprisingly, Sunday morning during church was a good time to suck dick. I was amazing how many guys snuck by to get their dick sucked while their wife and kids were in church. I was so dick crazy that I sucked every dick, except black ones, that I could get my mouth on and swallowed every load of cum that I could suck out of them. The place still reeked of testosterone, but now that I was drinking it I didn’t find the odor near as offensive.
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It was about a 30-minute drive to Kennedale so I developed a ritual of going in a taking a piss before I got started. About my third trip I’d taken my piss and was standing there washing my hands, when I realized how silly washing my hands was when I was about to have every nasty dick in the room in my mouth or at least all that I could get in my mouth. I didn’t suck nigger dicks though because I was good old southern white boy. Not some Yankee fag.
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About this time I discover swing magazines. I answered several ads but only a couple resulted in meetings. I drove over to one guy’s house because he said that he had a big dick that he liked to have sucked. I was naïve and didn’t know the ropes, so when I got there we wasted a lot of time watching porno and talking. Eventually, I excused myself and went to the bathroom. When I came out wearing nothing but my panties, the guy took one look and drops his gym shorts.
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Clumsily, I spread his legs, knelt down, and slipped my mouth over his un-cut cock. When it started getting hard, its head was still covered by his foreskin. I like to work my lips and tongue around a guy’s dick head, but when I slid his foreskin down he winched in pain. His dick had such a big long foreskin, that its head stayed covered even when he was erect. His dick was impossible to suck with that much foreskin, so I gave up and left.
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To be continued…
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