life is good----part-1-of-1

Life Is Good

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I was the white guy that kind of looked like Lorne Greene from the old Bonanza TV show that you tried to rob. I was wearing the expensive Stetson hat, the fancy cowboy boots, and the black Burberry jacket. Shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, and me you demanded that I hand over wallet and watch. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize.
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After you took my jacket and I drew my pistol, I didn't expect you to shit your pants. The truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't because it was cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Colts 1911a .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?
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I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping around in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cell phone, watch and wallet with me. I took your phone because I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or ‘Momma’ as you had her listed in your cell phone directory, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes and all of the cash in your wallet to one of the homeless guys hanging around the convenience store where I got my gas. Then I threw your wallet in a dumpster.
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By the way, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Version recently shut down the line though. I've only had your phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it. Oh well.
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About your pants, I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the cost of the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for not killing you, but instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your chosen path in life. I don’t think that you’re cut out for it. And the next time, you might not be so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch and laundry. Peace!