A Bad Day:

A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day."
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The guy says, "Am I ever! To start, I woke up late for work. On my way to work I got in an accident. When I got to work I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. Then to top everything off I came home to my wife screwing my best friend."
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The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?"
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The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."
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The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?"
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The guy says, "I said BAD DOG!"

GOTTA PEE

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
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Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
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One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
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Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
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She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
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After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
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The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. .. my wife came home with no panties!!'
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'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said.....
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'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.''
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A Redneck church

You know yours is a Red Neck Church if:

Upon learning that Jesus fed the 5000, the men want to
know whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch ’em.

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the
purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

The pastor says, "I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering." Then five guys and two women stand up.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his
4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of."

In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven
last names in the church directory.

Baptism is referred to as "Branding."

There is a special bake sale to raise funds for a new church septic tank.

High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

The baptismal is a #2 galvanized wash tub.

The choir robes were donated by Billy Bob’s Bar-B-Q, and are embroidered with his logo.

The collection plates are really hubcaps from a ’56 Chevy.