Got me a new truck!

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I bought a new Ford F-150 Crew Cab and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.
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The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
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'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.
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The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'
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'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.
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Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
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I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music,
and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.
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Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid them.
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I yelled, 'Ass Holes!'
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Immediately the Iranian National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by
Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica,
Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy On Scotch.
.Damn, I LOVE this truck!
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MONEY SPENDING WIFE

A husband comes home and tells his wife that hes going to get a tattoo of a $100,00 dollar bill on his penis. His wife asks him why he would do such an idiotic thing. " Well ," he says. I like to play with my money. I like to see my money grow. And if you feel the need to blow $100, you wont have to go shopping!!!

Semper Fi!

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Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq . The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.
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Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.'
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The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'
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Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in ' New York , so I'd like to hear the song, The Moon and Me, one last time.'
The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song.
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Gibson was satisfied.
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Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.' The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments.
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He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'
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The leader turned and said, 'And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?
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'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine.
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'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'
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'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine.
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So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass.
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The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took,sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11. In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
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As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson, and Williams, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?'
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'What?' replied the Marine, 'and have you three assholes report that I was the aggressor....?
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Semper Fi!
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The Gay Man and the Black Man

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At the end of a tiny deserted bar in downtown New Orleans sat a huge black man. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the big black man.

Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"

At this, the massive black man leaped up, with fire in his eyes, and smacked the shit out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.

Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the black man, and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?"

"I don't know," the black man replied, "something about a job."

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son----part-1-of-1

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Dear son,

The other day I went up to our local Christian bookstore and saw a ‘Honk if you love Jesus’ bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly upbeat that day because I had just come from a thrilling worship service, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I ever so glad that I did. Such an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn’t notice that the light had changed to green. It is a good thing someone else loved Jesus though, because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy and then he eve leaned out of his window and screamed, “For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Go!” What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.

Almost immediately, everyone started honking. I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.

Why there must have even been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a ‘sunny beach.’ I saw another guy waving in a funny way, with only his middle finger stuck in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what it meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I’ve never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing, why; even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended.

This is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved and smiled at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we’d shared. So, I slowed the car down, leaned out the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Will write again soon,
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Love Mom...
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dead horse

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The Dead Horse
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Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.
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The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the horse died."
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Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."
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The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
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Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."
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The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
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Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
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The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"
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Chuck said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
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A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"
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Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998."
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The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
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Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
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dreams----part-1-of-1

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In my dreams

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My girlfriend, Debbie sets me up in a ridiculous Halloween costume so we can be in a couples costume contest. I'm all gussied up in an embarrassingly small Alice in Wonderland costume and she the white rabbit. And I mean GUSSIED, full makeup, ruffled panties, little ruffled white socks and black patent leather heels, along with a big bow on my neck.

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Debbie dropped me off in front of the club and told me to go on in while she parked. As soon as I walked in I had to fend off some catcalls about the outfit and even a few roaming hands from the hem of my skirt as well. I'm inside, sitting at the bar waiting for 30-minutes, wondering where Debbie was and having guys make passes at me when the bartender gives me a note and a grin:

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"Having fun honey? You're getting all the attention because you're in a gay nightclub and you look pretty cute. Hope you're having fun!

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This is your All Hollow’s Eve trick - now you just have to get home without being someone's treat! By the way, I have your wallet and keys and phone in the car still. I can't believe that you fell for having no pockets on that outfit (I sewed them shut!)

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Good luck honey! I'm SURE you'll find a way back!"

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I hadn’t paid too much attention when I first came in. suddenly I realized that for such a small bar it was quite busy, and that it was almost all men. There were a couple of women sitting together but they didn’t give me much notice. At first I was so stunned by the note that I just sat there like a dummy. Then I think, what the hell, now that I’m here I might as well make the most of being here. Moments later the bartender returned with a beer, and a shots of tequila. Before I could ask, he said that the gentleman seated at the end of the bar wanted to me a drink. When I looked towards where the bartender was pointing, a tall good lucking guy, early 30s, about 6-foot 3, 21o lbs., piercing blue eyes, tanned skin, curly blonde hair, mustache nodded to me. I thought what the heck, and lifted my beer towards him and told him “Thanks.” Not that he could actually hear me over the noise in the room.

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A few moments later I drank the shot and chased it with the beer, they seemed like they were rather large shots though I was thinking. Within a few moments the guy appeared beside me, obviously wanting to chitchat a little. “You’re not from around here?” he asked me, clearly intrigued by my Alice in Wonderland costume. I’ve always been into roll play, so as a lark, I used my little girl’s voice and replied, ”No, I’m from out of town.” The guy’s name was Wesley, and to continue the roll play I batted my eyes and flirted like a real girl while we chatted. Then two drinks later and I was in Wes’s arms on dance floor, slow dancing.

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After we finished dancing, I had to find the toilet, after looking around a bit all I could see was a set of stairs going up to the second level. When I asked, I was told the toilet was up stairs. When I reached the top of the stairs I noticed it was quite dimly lit another bar, and sure enough far at the end of the room I could see the women’s restroom.

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After relieving myself, and returning to the upper, dimly lit bar, I thought maybe it would be a good idea to sit up at this bar for and let my head clear. I still had to figure out how to get home. Anyhow I took a seat at the far end of the bar, and it wasn’t two minutes before Wes was sitting down beside me again. We started chit chatting, and before I knew it I’d drank several more beers and a couple of hours had passed. I’d been so busy drinking and chatting that I hadn’t really noticed the hour, or the fact that the upper bar had mostly cleared out.

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After sitting there and not talking much for a couple of moments, Wes reached over and put a hand on my knee. Then without saying a word, he quickly moved it on up and stroked my lace panties. I was instantly aroused by the move, but at the same time I was uneasy that even though he could feel my swollen cock, the stroking continued. So there I sat with a ragging hard on straining my panties. Despite myself I was getting extremely horny. I decide that I was getting turned on enough, that the thought of maybe getting a blowjob might not be so bad even if it is a guy that gave it to me.

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As Wes continued with the stroking, and rubbing my leg, I suddenly realized that Wes’s pants were unbuckled, and that he had his cock in his other hand. I am thinking we’re going to jail for sure, so I put up a little resistance with the explanation that we are in a public bar.

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Wes laughed and told me not to worry, that the bar was now actually closed, and only private guests remained. And that most of them were all downstairs. According to him, this happens frequently here in the bar, and that there was nothing to worry or be concerned about.

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A few minutes later Wes stood and his pants dropped, exposing a massive hard cock that I thought must belong to horse. Before I know it I was on my knees and Wes was rubbing his huge cock all over my face. Trying to pull away, I’m thinking, “Oh my god; he’s going to try to stick that big thing in my mouth.” And sure enough, without missing a beat Wes put the engorged head against my lips. Then grabbing the back of my head, he forces the head between my lips as he stuffs his cock into my mouth. Still holding my head so that I couldn’t escape, I was in no position to argue when he started pumping his cock in and out of my mouth. I realized that the cock in my mouth was not as uncomfortable or as repulsive as I’d expected. Actually I was getting hornier, and even though I was being gagged by the sudden impalement and depth of that the huge cock was reaching. In a very few strokes it was hitting the back of my throat.

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Now that it was in my mouth, I found that the taste was quite enjoyable. A few minutes pass, then Wes roughly grabbed my hair, and shot his load down my throat, giving me no option but to swallow. With a chuckle, Wes pulled his cock still dripping cum out of my mouth and rubbed it against my lips, saying, “You’re a pretty good cock sucker for a first timer.” I instantly felt an overwhelming anger at myself, for what I had just done, and allowed to be done to me, yet at the same time I was couldn’t help being a little proud of myself of the compliment.

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Still down on my knees, Wes handed me a drink to wash down the cum that I’d just swallowed. Looking up at him, I explain the trick that my girlfriend, Debbie had played on me, adding that I needed a ride home. Then within a few minutes, the room seemed to be spinning and I thought I was going to be sick. Wes said that maybe I should stretch out and relax in one of the booths for a bit. Instead I managed to stagger to the bathroom and after relieving myself and splashing water onto my face I was feeling much better.

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Returning to the bar, I mentioned that I should be going home soon. Remembering my predicament, both Wes, and his friend Jim, offered to drive me home. Having no other alternative, I readily agreed. But before we left, they both insisted that we have just one more drink. I grumbled a bit but agreed to just one more drink and that was it.

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When the one more drink arrived, it was in such a tall glass that I was sure that there was no way I was drinking that much more alcohol tonight. But surprisingly my one more drink returned me back to my very horny, and very drunk, stage.

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I was never sure how it happened, but somehow I was bent over a barstool and Wes was in front of me shoving his huge cock toward my mouth. My inhibitions removed by the alcohol, this time I willingly opened my mouth and allowed Wes to shove it in. when I felt the head bump the back of my throat, I tightened my lips and started sucking.

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As Wes held onto the sides of my head and pumped his cock in and out of my mouth, .Jim was behind me pulling down my panties. As Wes’s big balls flopped against my chin, Jim was spreading my butt cheeks and worked my ass. When he started playing with my hole with his fingers, that really turned me on more and more. All the while I was still sucking Wes's cock.

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I was now going with flow and truly enjoying Wes’s cock and the ass fingering I was getting. Then I felt Jim pushing at my ass, but this time he was shoving his massive cock into my ass. It was so big that I was sure that I was going to be ripped apart, and wanted it to stop. But Wes had grabbed the back of my head and pinned me in place. Being bent over the bar stool like that I had no way of arguing the screaming pain. After a few moments the pain that was so intense that it brought tears to my eyes, but then it slowly dissipated. I thought for sure Jim, had shoved his massive cock all the way in me. Then he grabbed my hips and started to work my ass with his cock, very slowly in and out. It was just starting to feel really good, when he told me to nod if I wanted more because just the head of his cock in me. I didn’t know if he was fully inside of me or not. All I knew was my ass felt so good that I wanted more. Without hesitation Jim, continued to ram his cock deeper, and deeper into my ass. As he plunged in deeper the sensation of being ripped in half tripled in affect, and the pain was almost unbearable.

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Wes continued holding the back of my head, face fucking me harder and harder, making sure I was not going to argue the moment. And Jim continued pounding his cock in and out of my ass. Between the ass pounding and Wes’s cock in my mouth, I had not noticed that about a 6 or 7-additional guys had gathered around to watch me get my virgin ass broke in and my initiation to gay sex.

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Within a few minutes Wes was grunting and pushing his cock deeper and deeper in my mouth. When he tensed up, I cocked my head so I could see his face as he shot his hot load of cum into my mouth. As his balls exploded, he started moaning and telling me to, “Swallow bitch, swallow,” but I was already complying.

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Just as I am swallowing Wes’s cum, I felt Jim start to shudder as he grabs at my ass cheeks. He smacked me a stinging blow on my naked butt, and then unloaded his balls deep into my ass.

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Wes’s limp cock was hardly out of my mouth before another gets was stuffing his in. I didn’t even have time to catch my breath. The same happened with my ass, as soon as Jim pulled out and, another much smaller cock quickly took its place.

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A few moments later and the person that was fucking my ass had cum and finished, just as I was thinking this was almost over another large cock, slammed into my ass, with a few quick words of being told to, “Be happy, slut you’re getting what you really want and truly like.” As his big balls flopped against me, I realized the large cock now in my ass was Wes.

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Within a few minutes of being deep stroked by Wes, I started cumming, and cumming, I felt like I must have cum a gallon for sure but could not see from the position I was in. After having cummed I really wanted to be done with this and go home.

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My ass was starting to ache, and after I cum I almost always get way sensitive, and like to shower and relax. But after cumming, I still had Wes deep stroking my aching ass, and this other guy fucking my face. So I knew I was going to have to endure more for a little longer.

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Within a few more moments the guy fucking my face grabbed the back of my head, and moaned, “Prepare to swallow slut,” just as he shot his gooey, hot load deep into the back of my mouth.

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At this point the ache in my ass was subsiding and the guy with his cock in my mouth stepped away. I was looking up at the guy that had just finished fucking my face, when I heard several of the other guys laughingly wondering if they should let the slut have a break. Wes stopped fucking my ass just long enough to say, “As long as he’s not arguing we should all enjoy the bitch,” with that said, another cock was shoved in my mouth.

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After Wes finished only one other guy, thank goodness took a turn in my ass. But all seven of them took a turn in my mouth. After the last guy pounded my ass, Wes let me get up off the barstool and sit down in a chair. Once seated, I glanced to my left and saw a young Hispanic guy playing with his dick. Instead of being embarrassed that I caught him, he smiled and held it towards me as if inviting me to suck it for him. His brazenness was so embarrassing that I tried to get up, but Wes’s firm hand on my shoulder held me in place. It wasn’t but a couple of minutes, before the Hispanic guy moved towards me. I couldn’t believe it, but his pants were still un-zipped and his dick was hanging out. At first the guy just leaned against the bar beside me and played with his dick. When he caught me looking he waved it toward me again. In embarrassment I ducked my head in shame.

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When I looked back up the Hispanic guy was standing so close that the head of his dick was only about two or three inches from my face. I was so shocked that my mouth dropped open. Before I could close it, he grabbed my hair and feed me his dick. Once he had it was in my mouth, I had no choice but to suck it for him. Judging by the way he grabbed the sides of my head and started hunching, I think he liked my mouth. It wasn’t long until his balls burst, filling my mouth with his hot gooey cum. Naturally he didn't let go of my hair until I swallowed every last drop. Then he casually zipped his pants and took off.

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As soon as he moved away, I was shocked to discover that there was a white guy standing right in front of me with his big dick hanging out. Like the Hispanic, without a word he pulled me forward and feed me his dick. As I closed my lips around it, he pulled me off the chair and down onto my knees. I guess it's a power thing, but guys like a guy down on his knees when the guy is blowing them. As I knelt there sucking his dick, I glanced out of the corner of my eyes and saw that everyone was crowding around so that they could get a better view of me sucking dicks. Even as embarrassment reddened my face, I realized that I was a little turned on by the attention.

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When I finished off the white guy, I looked up and a black guy was taking his place. By now I knew what I was doing, so he didn’t have to feed me his dick. I grabbed it and feed it to myself.

Before they let me up off my knees I had to jack off two guys and sucked off four more. I would have sucked off the two that I jacked off, but they didn’t want to be sucked off. I had to laugh at the last two guys that I sucked off. They walked up stairs, took one look at what was going on, and got into line. They may have been expecting to get their dicks sucked, but not that quick or that easy. Neither one of them seemed to mind though.

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I suck a couple of more dicks, and when the last guy finished, I was to the point where my jaw was aching. When Wes and Jim helped me to my feet, I had a very smug look on my face and a belly full of cum. I’d always associated the term ‘pulling a train’ to a girl taking on several guys one right after another, and that it was usually meant as a derogator remark to show what a slut she was. Now that I’d obviously pulled one, I knew that the term could also apply to guys too. .

I managed get my panties back on and then Wes and Jim led me out to Jim’s car. Once in the car, instead of letting me sit in the seat, Wes made me kneel between his legs and suck his cock all the way home. As we drove along the darkened urban streets, Wes asked me. “Were you serious about never having had sex with a man until tonight?”

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When I replied, “Absolutely, tonight was the first time ever.”

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As Wes pushed my mouth back down on his cock, he smiled as he said, “Maybe your first, but not your last. Welcome to the other side of life.” Then he pumped another load into my mouth. After getting my phone number and telling me that he’d be in touch, they dropped me off in front of my house and drove off. As their car disappeared into the mist, I knew that I hadn’t seen the last of Wes and his big cock.

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Using the hidden key, I stumbled to our bedroom and without even bothering to take off my dress, kicked off my shoes and collapsed into bed. Debbie stirred enough to say, “Well, I see that you made it.”

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“Yeah, no thinks to you.”

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”I'm too tired to talk, we’ll discuss it the morning, “ then I reminded her that I owed her big time as I dropped off to sleep.

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The End…